My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
