My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
