Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
