Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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