I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
