Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
