Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
