ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
