Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
