I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
