If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
