I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
