i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
