you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
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