Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
why is half of my head shaved?
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