And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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