How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
