i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
