I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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