i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
