dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
