paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
