I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
