there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Hippo gnu deer
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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