You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
