just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
