Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
