Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
