she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
