the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
