lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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