ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
