you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
