Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
