Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
