We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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