the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
