just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
