why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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