you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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