Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize