Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
