Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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