tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
