it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
