You're my little dorito
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
