Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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