She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
