Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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