I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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