Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize