careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
