here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize