we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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