who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
