Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
