i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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