If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
