but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I can't put those talents on a resume
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
