I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
