Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
