it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
