You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize